A Realistic Plan for World Peace
a.k.a
Nuke the Moon
by Frank J. (originally written August 15th, 2002)
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"Gotta nuke something."
-20th century philosopher Nelson Muntz
World peace cannot be achieved by sitting around on our duffs singing hippy songs to the moon. Peace can only be achieved through excessive acts of seemingly mindless violence. Who do bullies pick on in the playground? The giant, crazy looking guy who looks ready to snap and kill the person nearest or some harmless looking weenie who appears to do anything to avoid conflict? People pick on the weenie because people like to start fights they think they can win. In the same way, people will continue to attack America and our interests when they get the idea that they can piss off America without us immediately eradicating them and everyone around them in the most painful way possible. //
Now the world will be pretty convinced that America is frick'n nuts and just looking for a fight, but we need to really ingrain it into everyone's conscious so that no one will ever even contemplate crossing us. This requires making good use of our nukes. I know, nukes can kill millions of people, but they sure aren't doing anyone any good just sitting around. I mean, how many years has it been since we last dropped a bomb on someone? No one even thinks we'll actually use one now. Of course, using nukes shouldn't be done haphazardly; all uses have to be well planned out because the explosions are so cool looking that we'll want to give the press plenty of notice so they can get pictures of the mushroom cloud from all sorts of different angles. But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can't we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, "Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonald's before they think I don't like them." //
So there you have it, a real peace plan that could actually work. Warmongering pacifists want us to act all nice such that countries think we're rational and won't kill everyone with a blind fury, thus making it possible they might actually attack us and draw us into a war. But, if America follows my idea and lashes out at the slightest provocation with unmeasured vengeance, there can be peace. So there's the choice: either be a homicidal maniac thus ensuring peace and love in the world, or be some pacifist hippy while the streets flow with the blood of the innocent.
ALBERTA—In response to a national sauce shortage brought on by supply chain issues, Chick-Fil-A has purchased the Keystone XL Pipeline and will repurpose it to carry millions of gallons of glorious Chick-Fil-A sauce to desperate Americans.
"This was a no-brainer," said CEO Dan Cathy. "Americans consume 32 billion gallons of Chick-Fil-A sauce every day. This pipeline was just sitting there collecting dust, and we've given it a second chance at life!"
Environmentalists planned to protest the pipeline and its potential impact on wildlife, but then Dan Cathy gave them a bite of delicious chicken dipped in golden sauce and they instantly became evangelical conservative capitalists.
The new pipeline project is expected to create 25,000 new jobs and deplete the world's reserves of natural smoke flavor, caramel color, and xanthan gum.
The Flying Farmer act has been a staple of airshows for years. Kyle Franklin’s version is just as entertaining as an inebriated Ben Wabknoski takes over the controls of a Super Cub for a fun, low-altitude airshow experience. In this encore video, Franklin explains what’s involved. He makes it look easy, but it’s anything but.
AUSTIN, TX– The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) is preparing to institute more measures to safeguard black lives by banning products they like. After it was announced that the Biden administration would prohibit the sale of menthol cigarettes, officials are looking at other ways the government can save the black community from itself.
Only days after the menthol ban was announced, the FDA declared that it was pushing full steam ahead with its effort to rescue the black community through what they refer to as “strategic race-based prohibition.” An FDA official explained that the fried fowl and grape-flavored cola – also known as “grape drank” – must be banned because “these hopeless negroes don’t know how to act.”
“Preventing black people from killing themselves by banning certain products is the least we can do given the level of oppression they have endured in this country,” said a high-ranking member of the Biden administration. “This is why fried chicken and grape soda have to go.”
Classic material from one of the all-time radio comedy greats
Lufthansa flight two two two two to Toulouse... this is just... ahum... too much!
EGYPT—When massive shipping container vessel the Ever Given got stuck, authorities had no idea how they were going to free it and get traffic moving through the Suez Canal again. But then one of them had a great idea: he called a Chick-fil-A location in America to ask if they'd loan them a few drive-thru workers.
"Sure, it'd be our pleasure," said the manager of the Chick-fil-A as he motioned for his drive-thru workers to get a move on. The employees sprinted to the airport and jumped on the next plane bound for Egypt. When they arrived, they rushed to tame some wild camels and took them across the desert to the location of the blockage.
FLORIDA—As Florida finally wrapped up its contentious recount of the votes tallied in the recent midterm elections, a winner was finally declared: Al Gore is now the president of the United States.
The recount process at long last found the "missing votes" that would have handed Gore the presidency back in 2000, making him the official president of the country.
I think one of my favorite states of mind is something I call appreciative bafflement: A state of confusion so deep and profound that you’re genuinely impressed and appreciate the efforts taken to make such confusing, deeply fucked decisions. The Lancia Gamma, especially the fastback Berlina version, is a car full of this sort of bafflement. Let’s talk about this lovely weirdo. //
the engines themselves were pretty good, save for the one ridiculous Achilles’ heel that is the initial source of my gleeful bafflement: They decided to drive the power steering fluid pump off of one of the two camshafts — you know, the things that open and close the cylinder valves.
If you start up your cold engine with your steering wheel turned all the way to one side or the other, the load from the power steering pump could be enough to break the camshaft/timing belt, which would make the left bank of cylinders completely lunch the top end of the engine, leaving you stranded and soon to be broke. //
Normally, ancillaries like the alternator or A/C compressor or power steering pump are driven off the crankshaft pulley. I can’t think of any other car that drives a pump off the camshaft and has a cam belt setup like this, and here’s why, according to the Gamma mavens over at Lancia Gamma Consortium:
Gammas have an unenviable reputation when it comes to their toothed camshaft drive belt, and not without reason! The camshaft serving the nearside (left- hand) pair of cylinders also drives the power steering pump. A lack of development, in early cars in particular, showed itself when unsuspecting owners would start their Gammas on a cold morning with the steering on full lock. This would cause the cambelt to break / jump with the load from the steering pump, resulting in one pair of cylinders firing-up whilst the other pair tried to destroy themselves, at the least causing bent valves. Later models have revised belt tensioners, but are still known to suffer from this problem.
Chris2
41 minutes ago
In light of the holiday, I pulled an old AP fact-checking article from the library:
CLAIM: Black people have Constitutional rights. In a pamphlet, Republican presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln claim Black people have rights under the U.S. Constitution.
AP ASSESSMENT: FALSE. As SCOTUS correctly held, "A Black man has no rights that a white man is bound to respect." No American court has acknowledged the Constitutional rights of Black people; this false pamphlet meme is based on a single case from a British court, and the author neglects to mention that we fought two wars (the Revolution and the War of 1812) to avoid living under British law. Therefore, we assess Republican presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln's claims to the contrary to be FALSE. Please read the AP's endorsement of Democrat Stephen Douglas, who has called for a return to normalcy and decency on the slavery issue.
See how much fun we can have when we rely upon courts for our facts? Well-educated people recognize the appeal to authority fallacy, but liberals can't. Indeed, the appeal to authority fallacy is pretty much their entire thought process, so...
marque2 Vote Generic
an hour ago
“Thank you. Since we decided a few weeks ago to adopt the leaf as legal tender, we have, of course, all become immensely rich. [...]
"But we have also," continued the management consultant, "run into a small inflation problem on account of the high level of leaf availability, which means that, I gather, the current going rate has something like three deciduous forests buying on ship's peanut." [...]
"So in order to obviate this problem," he continued, "and effectively revalue the leaf, we are about to embark on a massive defoliation campaign, and...er, burn down all the forests. I think you'll all agree that's a sensible move under the circumstances.”
― Douglas Adams, The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
WANDA: I listen to actual scientists, and they say your idea will never work.
DILBERT: If a chipmunk listens to scientists, should I trust the chipmunk to understand what he heard?
WANDA: I don't get your point.
DILBERT: And yet you do understand science?
cmdr_burr
6 hours ago
Ha ha! Great story, Colonel! Takes me back to my enlisted days, when, as an E-3, I was assigned to buff a passageway (with no prior instruction). I got whacked in the 'nads right off the bat (but only once).
Nos Nevets
Only once! Castrated, huh?
Pointy Haired boss: I hear we need more eunuch programmers.
Dilbert: That's "UNIX".
PHB: Oh. If the company nurse comes by, tell her nevermind.
Can you name a better way to demonstrate who has the superior delivery service to passerbyers than to have your semi truck towing the competition? We thought not. That is precisely what Fed Ex illustrated with their custom semi truck wrap. In the picture, you see Fe Ex’s trailer carrying two UPS (United Parcel Service) trucks. Perhaps the graphic suggests Fed Ex is bigger and better at delivery? We’ll let you decide. But we’ll tell you this when we want our packages transported we prefer the moving vehicle. So, Fed Ex well played.
BEIJING—Sources within the Chinese government confirmed today that the spy who was assigned to date Rep. Eric Swalwell and get information from him abruptly returned to China and begged to be sent to a labor camp instead.
"Please -- don't make me go back!" she begged after returning to China in 2015. "I'll do anything! I'll break rocks! I'll build a railroad! I'll -- I'll even make shoes for Nike! Just don't make me go back and date that man again!"
"It's cruel and unusual punishment. Which, I guess, is allowed here, but still. It's not a good look," she said.
An international human rights board agreed, putting pressure on the Chinese government to stop forcing spies to date Eric Swalwell and other U.S. congressmen.
The History of Car Talk
tom-rayIncluding the tale of a tragic mistake by NPR and, for the first time ever, the true story about what happened to that radio trophy that George Peabody gave us.
A lot of folks want to know how we got started.
To answer this, we need to quickly review some basics of biology: in the beginning there was our magnificent mother, Elizabeth Magliozzi, and our esteemed pere, Louis Magliozzi.
Tom and Ray's parentsOkay, okay, we know - you couldn't care less about our formative years, when Tommy took apart and rebuilt our dad's heap over and over again - each time having a few extra parts, until eventually there was nothing left to disassemble.
Polls are set to open in 48 hours across the US as the authoritarian regime of Donald Trump attempts to consolidate its hold over the troubled, oil-rich, nuclear-armed, north American nation. Analysts are sceptical the election will end months of political violence.
#BREAKING African envoys have called for Americans to maintain peace during the elections and to be prepared accept the outcome of the vote. In a joint statement , the diplomats condemned recent incidents of incitement, violence and intimidation directed at opposition supporters
is the mcdonald’s ice cream machine broken?
Dave Ramsey looking at Donald Trump’s debt
[ Fred Sanford staggers in horror]
Comfortably Smug
@ComfortablySmug
Moment of silence for Libs realizing the vaccine for Coronavirus is President Trump's white blood cells