Soccer is the world’s most popular sport, as we are told every time some bored sportswriter dusts off their collegiate freshman globalization mantra handbook and pens yet another stirring op-ed decrying its status, or lack thereof, within our golden shores. You just don’t understand the beautiful game, comes the cry against those among us who 1) still watch sports of any kind period 2) would rather watch baseball or football or hockey or basketball or tiddlywinks, preferably not involving one spending a few decades altogether too close for comfort. //

In soccer, only the goaltender is allowed to touch the ball with his or her hands. Everyone else is prohibited from using anything from shoulder to fingertip to touch the ball. The preferred method of moving the ball is kicking. Occasionally, a player will bounce the ball off of his or her head in order to make it go in the desired direction. This is called a header. Or, if done improperly, a concussion. //

A player on defense will often try to strip the ball from a player on offense, or a player who’s just plain offensive. This involves trying to either step in-between the ball and the feet of the player who has possession, or sliding at the ball in order to kick it away from the player who has possession. In either case, the player who had possession is required by international law to immediately fall down and writhe in agony much like one who is possessed. This continues until either the player who went after the ball is called for a foul, or no one buys the act of the mortally wounded player at which time he or she will miraculously heal and get back up.